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Jun. 6th, 2007 | 01:44 pm
Emotion: apatheticapathetic
Score: NIN - "Just Like You Imagined"

The doctor said that it's nothing serious, merely a mechanical problem. I hate to say it, but she was right -- the next week or so, my leg got better. I still wouldn't have taken any chances with what i find, though.

But now that that's over, something new's come up. It basically dwarfs the bad leg.

Early this week, mom's planning a pre-birthday dinner that's on tonight. Typically for her, events like this really gets her on edge and stuff, what with her going apeshit on me on every last day before it happens. But that's just something i have to get used to, like it or not.

Just before noon, big bro called right after i woke up, he wanted to speak to mom. After a few minutes of passing the phone to her, i heard her wailing. At first i thought she was having the usual emotional quarrel with her loathesome husband, but then i realized she was fucking pissed at big bro. The anger just dragged on and on and on, to the point that i heard her shriek in tears twice.

It turns out that big bro doesn't want to attend the family dinner, in which he claimed to have planned.

So because of that she raved on about how he's a ungrateful son and how his girlfriend is some mean-ass whore bitch. She fucked on some more of the related sentence, then i heard her talk to her husband, demanding that big bro is not to be contacted whatsoever, and that if he does come to the dinner anyway, he'll be kicked out by her. I think i also heard a few instances when she said that "his mother is dead in the ocean to his eyes".

What's funny from all of this is that I'm not picking up any emotion from this whatsoever. I just sat on my chair, looking at some page in the internet, like as if depression and nihilistic apathy is groping my moobs. I should've felt like a real monster for not crying my mother a river, but you know what i got in my mind as an answer instead?

"For fuck's sake, mom, this is getting old. Stop it."


So... Now mom don't want anything to do with him anymore. At least, right now, anyway.

I'm watching my family crumble right before my eyes, and i don't want to be part of the problem, because i just can't do anything to help fix the shit. Even when i'm told that i'm just being self-defensive, i just can't shit off the feeling that i'm being a selfish survivalist prick. I should feel ashamed. I should feel guilty. I should feel like a dick. I should've cried.

But even if i did cry, i can't shed a single tear. And even if i did shed a tear, it's completely fucking fake. I should feel like a real monster, but that's just not coming into my head without having myself force that thought in me..

I'm worried that if i keep acting like this, i really would become the monster i yearned to devour.

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Comments {1}


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from: foxjane
date: Jun. 10th, 2007 06:01 pm (UTC)

"For fuck's sake, mom, this is getting old. Stop it."

it happens. it doesn't matter if your mom is the patron saint of patron staints or if she's always unstable-- everyone gets that feeling sometime or another. don't feel bad about it, just allow it to pass.

guilt is dangerous :c

take it easy <3

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